A Heart of Gold
by WillowMina
Summary: A series of four vignettes. Inara's various thoughts towards the end of the episode Heart of Gold.
1. A Drink to Remember

It all happened so quickly. Rance Burgess had taken the baby, and all I could think was to get him back. But after he'd handed the baby to Saricia, he shot Nandi. She didn't stand a chance. Mal rushed off, and I... I felt lost for a moment, and that's how I came to be in Nandi's room.

As I entered I saw the bottle of rice wine and almost automatically poured myself a drink. As I sat down, I smiled as a memory came to me.

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I don't think I was any older than 13. Nandi had been a full student at the Academy for around eighteen months longer than I had, and I thought she could do no wrong. She always seemed so confident about anything, and she was never afraid of saying or doing anything. It was something that caused her trouble with the tutors, but she always just laughed it off.

One afternoon she'd whispered a message to me. I was to stay awake as she was going to save me from an embarrassment in one of my classes. I wasn't sure what she meant. I never seemed to have any trouble in class, I was such a quick study. What on earth could cause me embarrassment.

Everything became clear when Nandi snuck into my room that night.

"Inara... are you awake?"

"Of course I am, you said to stay awake. But someone's bound to find you here."

"Relax, Inara. We aren't going to get caught. There's hardly anyone around tonight. Some kind of big ball. That's why I was able to take this from the kitchens."

I look in puzzlement at the bottle, she was holding. "What is that?" I ask in a hushed tone of voice

"Rice wine, of course." Then, at my puzzled expression. "Look, Inara. You've been here for a while now. So they're going to start teaching you how to behave in polite society. So one of the things they do is make sure that you can drink without making a fool of yourself."

"But surely it's easier just not to drink."

"Okay, Inara. Now you are being a dummy. You can't refuse to drink in polite society. You've either got to get it down your throat, or figure out a way of spitting in out. There's one girl in my class has to do that. One glass and she just loses all control. The Guild can't have people on their books who might say something they shouldn't."

"But if this is something that's taught, then why bring some here."

"Because I like you, Inara. Closest friend I've ever had. I've seen some girls make complete fools of themselves when they first have a drink and I don't want that to happen to you. So I thought I'd give you a trial run. Then we can see how much you can take and then when class comes around you'll be able to cope."

I'd had to muffle my laugh at her words. Even though I'd been placed under the care of an official _Jie Jie_ when I entered the Academy proper. I was so much closer to Nandi than I was to anyone else, and her actions that night had been so typical of her. Always wanting to help me, to stop me from making any mistakes she, or anyone else in her class, had made.

We'd drunk the whole bottle that night. I'm pleased to say that I managed to drink my whole share without losing control of myself, and I do believe it did give me an advantage when that class finally came round.

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I raise my glass in a silent toast. Nandi - the elder sister I never had.


	2. Yesterday

I lower my glass, and my thoughts turn from the memories of my youth to a much more recent memory.

I never thought yesterday that things could get so complicated. It all seemed so simple. We'd try to stop Rance Burgess from abducting Petaline's child, preferably without much loss of life from the Heart of Gold, and then we'd go on our way. I'd have seen my oldest friend, but nothing would have changed on Serenity.

I must admit, though. I never thought that I'd see the day that Malcolm Reynolds made a wise decision. Although my immediate reaction to, well, running away, I suppose, was disgust that he wouldn't help someone in need, my common sense agreed with him. A man who seemed to regard his weapon more highly than his wife, and who boasted so openly about flouting the laws that _he_ didn't agree with would stop at _nothing_ to get what he wanted.

It show's Mal's regard for what other people hold dear that he was prepared to stay and help Nandi, and I was glad that she wouldn't be standing alone facing someone who was so ruthless. I suppose though, I thought that I stood less chance of being hurt by helping Simon with the birth. How wrong I was.


	3. Today

Today I finally admitted to myself that my feelings for Mal Reynolds were more than just a crush. I'm not entirely sure of the nature of my feelings quite yet, but I do know that it's not just some kind of school girl fascination.

It's been quite a day for shocks. I know now that was what I felt when I saw Mal coming out of Nandi's room, buttoning his shirt. Shock and hurt. I knew immediately that they'd had intercourse, it was obvious. Mal's embarrassment, the smell of the rice wine on his breath, the smell of his perspiration, but too salty to be purely from sweating. But I wasn't expecting _my _reaction to the situation. All of a sudden I knew I had to be alone, where I could deal with my feelings without anyone else seeing.

I don't know how long I sat alone on the floor, crying. But when I'd finished I knew that I felt something for him. Something I'd never felt about anyone else before.

There were other shocks that day as well. I'm fairly sure Rance Burgess wasn't expecting a lowly 'whore', for I have no doubt that his contempt for those of us who provide such a service extends to licensed companions as well as The Others, to slit his throat. But then I wasn't expecting him to shoot Nandi in retaliation. The shock of her dying is what's brought me in here.

But as I sit here, in her room, surrounded by the possessions of my oldest friend. I think the biggest shock is what Nandi revealed to me. Mal has feelings for me.


	4. Tomorrow

I'll tell him tomorrow.

It's said that when you've made a hard decision it's best to inform people as quickly as possible. But today's not the right time. Bodies, and other things, have to be buried.

Whilst I believed that my feelings for Mal were one sided, that they weren't reciprocated. Then I could function. But now, with my knowledge that the feelings _aren't _ all from one side. Knowing that he has feelings for me. I'm not sure I can carry that knowledge and maintain the façade that I've kept up for so long.

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I stand, watching the survivors of the Heart of Gold burying their friends, and burying Nandi. Their mentor and my true _Jie-Jie_. I have no fears for them though. Nandi taught them well, and already I can see Petaline taking charge, becoming a Mother to all of them, not just to Jonah. In such a short time she's blossomed from a scared young girl into a Matriarch, who'll ensure that no-one like Rance Burgess abuses any of her girls in the way he abused her.

It's myself I have fears for. Everything is going to change after I tell him. I don't know what will happen to me. But it has to be done.


End file.
